Out of the Dark
by Skydiver8
Summary: A year after losing her true love to duty, Elle Cousland begins another journey, perhaps more difficult than the one she undertook to end the Blight. A story of learning to live again after a great loss.
1. Chapter 1: Walls

_A/N: I introduced Elle in a 1-shot, Consequences, which was so very angsty. I really want to explore the subject of a (figurative) journey of healing from terrible loss, so this is the start of something that will be much larger. It won't be all feelings, don't worry, there actually is a plot. I just need a couple of chapters of exposition/intro to get it rolling along. Also, I apologize in advance if it is too long between updates, the next couple of weeks are busy with holiday stuff and visiting family._

_Of course I don't own any of the Bioware characters or the Dragon Age setting....they are the geniuses behind it all._

_Big thanks to Tarante11a for keeping me sane :P_

_Please read and review!_

_Leaning into the afternoons I cast my sad nets  
towards your oceanic eyes._

There in the highest blaze my solitude lengthens and flames,  
its arms turning like a drowning man's.

I send out red signals across your absent eyes  
that smell like the sea or the beach by a lighthouse.

You keep only darkness, my distant female,  
from your regard sometimes the coast of dread emerges.

Leaning into the afternoons I fling my sad nets  
to that sea that is thrashed by your oceanic eyes.

The birds of night peck at the first stars  
that flash like my soul when I love you.

The night gallops on its shadowy mare  
shedding blue tassels over the land. 

_ -Pablo Neruda_

**Walls**

A cold rain tapped on the windows of Elle Cousland's room, harbinger of another late winter storm moving in off the Waking Sea. It came hard on the heels of the previous one, set to pound the coast of Highever with frigid winds and strong waves. The damp castle was a perfect setting for her thoughts on this particular morning, and as much as she longed to stay in bed with the blankets wrapped around her, she knew she had to make herself busy or else sink into a bleak despair.

She couldn't believe it had been a year. A whole year since the archdemon died, taking her heart with it. Some days, when she was busy helping Fergus recruit men for the guard or poring over the teyrnir's finances, she almost felt normal, rarely thinking of Alistair unless a servant brought cheese with her breakfast or she caught sight of a rosebush blooming in the garden. Other days it was all she could do to keep from breaking down in helpless tears at the thought of what she had lost.

As she watched the rain fall on the city she was working so hard to rebuild, Elle knew this day was shaping up to be a bad one, just by virtue of the date and the weather. The cracks in the city walls stood out, she could see them through the sheets of rain in stark contrast to the smooth expanses where the masons had already finished their labors. It had been raining for days, and she worried now that the wet would begin to eat away at the cracks, setting their progress back weeks.

"Hah!" She snorted in bitter laughter at the irony of what could easily be a metaphor for her guilt and grief. The anniversary made her maudlin, or perhaps it was the weather playing on her emotions. She turned from the window in disgust, thinking she should leave the sad poetry to Leliana, when she heard a loud knock on her door.

Elle sighed and pulled her robe around her. "Come in, Fergus."

Her brother opened the door and poked his head in, making sure she was decently dressed before stepping all the way into the room. He looked harried, as though he had been awake and working for hours, and Elle would have been concerned if he didn't look like that all the time. It struck her then how similar they were in their respective griefs, striving to keep busy, to work so hard they had no choice but to forget the past. She sighed again. This was definitely not going to be a good day.

"I'm glad you're awake. How did you know it was me?"

"Well, my maid doesn't pound the door like it was Rendon Howe's face, and Leo just whines a lot. Call it process of elimination."

Fergus gave her a sharp look upon hearing her tone of voice, then his face softened as he recalled the occasion of the day. "I'm sorry, sister, I know today is...a difficult one. I hope, though, that you'll be up to helping me. I'm scheduled to inspect the outer walls and -"

Elle cut him off. "You want me to go out in THIS?! You're crazy, Fergus."

"No, no! I came to tell you that we received a message this morning – much delayed, mind you – from Redcliffe. Apparently, Arl Eamon is on his way to Highever, and he's due to arrive today. Um, around midday, in fact. So I was hoping you could be here to receive him properly? At least until tonight when we can have a proper banquet."

"Andraste's arse! Of all the possible days he could come, he just HAD to choose this one." Elle walked to the window and stared out at the rain. The thought of facing the man who was the closest thing to a father Alistair had ever known, and on the anniversary of his death, made her want to crawl back in bed and hide. The Maker certainly had a sick sense of humor. She just hoped Eamon wouldn't want to sit around and reminisce. She didn't think she could bear it.

"Please, Elle, I need your help. I can't expect one of my arls to trudge about the city walls in the rain searching for me. I have enough trouble with this Teryn thing as it is!"

Elle snorted and waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. "Oh, don't worry, Fergus, go inspect the walls. I'll have everything prepared when he arrives. Is it just him and his servants, or a whole entourage?" She resigned herself to the task and began planning out the necessary chores in her head.

"The message didn't say, though it might not hurt to have a few spare rooms made up. Maker knows who might be with him." Fergus grinned impishly as he turned to leave. "Have fun, little sister!"

"Yes, Fergus, enjoy your time outside on this _lovely_ day!" Elle waggled her fingers in a little wave as he left, just to rub it in. Truth be told, she would rather trade places, and let him deal with the domestic issues that came along with hosting an arl as their guest.

Word of their impending guest must have made the rounds of the castle already, because her maid Lorina was hovering outside of the room waiting to swoop in to help her dress. "My lady, we MUST have you presentable to greet the arl! No armor today, oh no. I have just the thing!" She held up an expanse of dark green velvet fabric that Elle assumed was some kind of gown.

"Lorina, please. Not today. It's Arl Eamon. May I remind you of our history? I doubt he would expect to see me wearing anything else. Besides, I just cleaned it last night!" She smiled sweetly at the maid, who was looking at her with a mixture of horror and disapproval. Elle wasn't about to tell her that wearing armor would be the least she could do to protect herself from the memories Eamon's presence was bound to dredge up. At least she felt stronger, somehow, when she was encased in the hard dragonscale plate she'd had made especially to fit. As she strapped on the armor, ignoring Lorina's protests, she wondered if she could ever explain how the suit held her together, how putting it on made her comfortable and somehow able to face the day.

She held up her hand to the blustering maid. "Stop. I'm not wearing the dress. Besides, after I greet the arl, I still have my duties to attend to, namely, training the latest batch of guard recruits. I can't very well do that in a dress, can I?" Lorina seemed crestfallen, and Elle felt a small pang of remorse. "If it makes you feel better, I promise I will wear the dress for the banquet this evening. Now, if you could help me with this last strap, I need to hurry to the kitchen. Emma is going to skin me alive for the short notice I'm about to give her."

The maid tittered and reached to help her finish donning her armor and began working on pinning up her unruly red hair. Mollified by Elle's promise to wear the dress later, she chattered about the arl's visit, and whether there would be any handsome guards accompanying him. Elle smiled wistfully, briefly longing for the time when such simple pleasures of life in the castle would have kept her entertained. Now they held no joy for her, just another reminder of everything she had given up.

She hadn't asked to be yanked from her life here, to become a Grey Warden, or much less to be the Hero of Ferelden. She didn't want accolades or parades in her honor. In her mind, "hero" was a title she neither wanted nor deserved. It wasn't her who killed the archdemon and ended the blight. The true Hero of Ferelden lay beneath stone and monuments far away in Weisshaupt Fortress. But life had a cruel way of always denying her what she wanted, and giving her all those things for which she had no desire. She had wanted Alistair, and instead she was left with emptiness and guilt. So she wrapped herself in mindless work and dragonbone plate and prayed to the Maker that someday He would let her forget.

Leliana, on her last visit to Highever a month prior, had accused Elle of hiding here, and reminded her of the Grey Wardens left in Amaranthine, trying to rebuild. They had come back with her from Weishaupt, sent by the Wardens to help recruit and reestablish the order's presence in Ferelden. Deep down, Elle knew her friend was right, and that soon she would have to leave her duties as Lady Cousland and return to her true duty as a Grey Warden. Yet every time she thought of it, an icy stiletto of fear slipped into her heart, and she knew she couldn't face the memories of _him_ that returning was bound to hold. She also had no desire to deal with the well-intentioned suggestions from people she barely knew regarding how to best move through her grief.

As Elle strode down the corridor, she clenched her fists at the thought of one more person telling her to "remember the good times" or "start thinking about finding a husband." She thought she might punch Arl Eamon, right there in the main hall, if he even thought about suggesting such a thing. They had all been "good times"! The grief over Ostagar, the long days on the road, the sleeping on rocks in the camp, the blood and fighting and death, all of it was still made _good_ by the fact that she had someone to share it with. Someone who always knew exactly what she needed to hear, from sympathy to seriousness to laughter. Someone who could make her smile even when they were both covered in darkspawn blood, fresh after a battle, or could make her weep with the tenderness in his fingertips. Those well-meaning people couldn't understand that she didn't only grieve over memories. The true source of her sadness was the one thought that paralyzed her with fear and despair: that she would _never_ feel loved that way again.

Elle swiped angrily at the tear rolling down her cheek as she found herself at the door to the kitchen. She hastily rebuilt her composure and pushed it open, walking into a room bustling with the tasks of post-breakfast cleanup. Her eyes scanned the room, looking for the squat, middle-aged head cook.

"Emma," she called.

"Yes milady?" The cook poked her head out of the larder.

"Emma, I am sorry to have to do this, but we just received -"

"Aye milady, we know, ol' Arl Eamon be showin' up today, and like to be bringin' a whole mess o' folks along with him." Emma rolled her eyes and sighed loudly. "Don't you worry, milady, we'll handle it. You'll be havin' a right nice banquet this evenin'. We just got some fresh fish in this very mornin', I hope that'll do?"

For once, Elle was grateful for the castle rumor mill. "That will do nicely, Emma. Thank you. Also, have you seen Horace this morning?"

"Oh, aye, milady, about had a fit, he did, when he heard the news. You know how he gets! He turned purple an' ran off upstairs, yellin' about preparin' the rooms."

Elle nodded grimly and set off to look for their mawkish castle chamberlain. She had a hard time dealing with him on the best of days, so she steeled herself for a verbal battle as she climbed the staircase to the second floor. She no longer considered herself a happy person, but next to Horace, she was positively joyful. He was a small, bitter man who rarely had a nice word for any of the servants. His only redeeming quality in Elle's eyes was that he was excellent at his job. The living quarters and general castle upkeep had never been better since they found him. It was his saving grace.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Horace's shrill voice echoing down the hall from one of the guest rooms. "I said _fresh_ linens, you idiot! These smell like week-old refuse. Get out of my sight!"

Elle groaned inwardly as she turned the corner to find one of the elven servants slinking out of the room, carrying a bundle of bedsheets. "Horace, please try to be at least civil to the servants."

"My lady." The chamberlain sneered, and a wild, angry light filled his eyes. "It wouldn't hurt to give me at least a day's notice before we're to have guests! How many are coming? Is the arl the only nobleman? Will he be bringing knights? How many rooms will be needed?"

"Horace, please, calm down. I do not know the answers to your questions, as we only received the news of his arrival early this morning. I assure you, Arl Eamon is a reasonable man, and I'm quite sure he will be most accommodating once he finds out his messenger was delayed. Just do your best." She smiled thinly at him and added, "though you may want to have a servant attending me in the hall when they arrive, who can run to you with the final count. Will that do?"

Horace colored and opened his mouth as if to argue, then he sighed. "Yes, my lady, I'll do what I can. Though have it be known I do so under_ protest_!"

"Noted, Horace." Elle turned away to hide her grimace. He was truly an odious man. She'd have to speak to Fergus about him later. No amount of pristine sheets was worth a staff full of browbeaten and dissatisfied servants. She quickly left the room before she had a chance to lash out in anger at him.

Her rounds of the castle consumed the rest of the morning, including trips to the stables and armory to ensure their preparedness. Shortly after taking a quick midday meal in the kitchen, she made her way to the great hall. Despite being the largest room in the castle, the hall was warm and inviting, made so by a roaring fire in the fireplace complete with a mabari sleeping by the hearth. Trained as a fierce warrior, even asleep Leo was alert enough to raise his head and chuff a greeting at her when she entered.

"Don't get up, I wouldn't want to disturb your beauty sleep." Elle grinned and winked at the dog, who promptly obliged and laid his head back down on his paws and closed his eyes. She chuckled. Leo was the one thing in her life that was guaranteed to make her smile, and she knew they would defend each other to the death. She squatted down beside him, gave his head a pat and stared into the fire. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear Ser Goeffrey walk up behind her until he cleared his throat.

"Ahem. My lady," The captain of the house guard began, jolting her out of her reverie. "A runner just arrived from the city gate. Arl Eamon's party is on their way to the castle now." He was too polite to say anything, but the older knight's concern for her always showed on his face. One of Fergus's lieutenants during the Blight, he had been away from Highever when Howe sacked the city, and had been one of the first to volunteer to help them rebuild when the Blight ended.

Elle stood. "Thank you, Ser Goeffrey. Please stay. I have no information as to the nature of Arl Eamon's visit, but if it involves the guard or our soldiers, I'd like you to be here. Though any official business will have to take place tonight when Fergus has returned, it is still a good thing to be prepared."

"Of course, my lady. Is there anything else I can do?"

"Did you inform the latest batch of recruits what time they were to muster in the courtyard?"

"Yes, my lady. They should be arriving in an hour or so. There are only six this time, but they seem to be a decent lot. Though I'm sure you'll put them through their paces."

"Thank you, Ser. Today will be an excellent example of how to fight in the rain on unsure footing." Elle was looking forward to sparring with the green recruits. It was hardly dangerous, and the exercise cleared her mind and focused her thoughts like no domestic duty could.

She was still discussing the outfitting of the city forces when the large main door of the hall opened, admitting a guard followed by several other men. Elle turned and put on what she thought of as her "cordial diplomacy" face. Even though Eamon was an old friend, she thought it best to start out on a formal footing. Nothing was ever certain in Fereldan politics, especially friendships, and she had no idea why Eamon was here.

The guard's voice rang out in the hall. "My Lady Cousland, Arl Eamon of Redcliffe and Bann Teagan of Rainesfere!"


	2. Chapter 2: Sparring

_A/N: Finally chapter 2! Sorry this took so long, I've been without access to my internet, cell phone or any sort of civilization for a week. Happy Holidays all, I hope you like rollercoasters ;)_

_Big huge thank you to Tarante11a for seeing things that I never would and not being afraid to tell me!_

_Also big thanks to my reviewers....keep them coming! _

**Chapter 2: Sparring **

A look of surprise and concern flashed across Elle's features. Surely the presence of both Guerrin brothers meant their visit was more than just a cursory one, and she silently cursed Fergus for not being present. She hoped Horace had taken her suggestion and a servant was on the way to a second guest room to prepare it for a noble resident. For the first time since she had returned from the Anderfels, Elle felt a twinge of annoyance that she hadn't paid more attention to the current political situation in Ferelden. Seeing two of Highever's most influential vassals standing before her in the great hall, she prayed that she could get through this without looking like a fool.

"Greetings, gentlemen. Welcome to Highever. I hope your journey here was uneventful." Elle decided that her best course of action was formality. "I must admit, we are at a disadvantage, as your messenger was delayed and we received the news of your arrival only this morning. Teyrn Cousland wishes to convey his apologies that he was unable to be here to greet you, but he had an unbreakable engagement with the masons' guild to inspect the outer walls today. However, he will return this afternoon, and any business you have with him can be conducted tonight at dinner."

As she spoke, Eamon's expression had gone from jovial to surprised, and now he was looking at her as if she had just escaped from a Chantry ward for mental patients. Teagan, to her dismay, was looking at the floor, quite obviously trying to stifle outright laughter. At that moment, Elle felt a frisson of longing for Alistair. Had he been there, he would have deflected the awkwardness with wit and self-deprecation, but she possessed no such weapons. She sighed with embarrassment and frustration – so much for not looking foolish.

"I – I'm sorry, my lords," she stammered. "It is good to see you again, and I do hope the past year has been kind to you both. I confess I am not very -"

Eamon lifted his hand to cut her off, and smiled at her warmly. "My friend, there is no need to stand on ceremony with us, I assure you. After all, you saved my village, my family, and my life, not to mention Ferelden. It is a debt I will not soon forget."

"Nor I, my lady." Teagan had composed himself and was watching her intently, and she could see the gratitude written on his face. It was almost more than she could bear. Looking at these men, she couldn't help but see Alistair behind their eyes, and it took every ounce of strength she possessed to keep from turning on her heel and running from the room. Her tone became brusque and her welcoming smile died.

"Thank you, but I feel your accolades are undeserved. _I_ didn't kill the archdemon, after all." Perhaps her response was rude, but she knew she needed to nip this line of conversation in the bud if she didn't want to become a weeping mess in front of Eamon and Teagan. All she wanted now was to detach herself from this whole situation. "As it is, I'm sure you're both weary from your travels and wish at the very least to be dry. We have rooms prepared for you, and the servants will draw hot baths should you desire it. I'm sorry to cut this short, but I am due to meet six new guard recruits in the courtyard for some testing and I wouldn't want to keep them waiting in the rain."

Elle made a small gesture, and one of the guards appeared at her elbow, waiting for instruction. "Please show Arl Eamon and Bann Teagan to their rooms. Consider them part of this household, and if I hear of them wanting for anything, tell Horace I will personally skin him alive. I will be in the courtyard if anyone needs me."

"Yes, my lady," the guard answered, then turned to Arl Eamon. "My lords, if you would please follow me."

As Elle moved to leave, she caught Eamon's look of shock and the hint of bemusement in Teagan's eyes. She realized that she had been inconceivably rude in her abrupt dismissal. She frowned, angry at herself for being so horribly inept at social graces. These were old friends, and she had tossed them out like yesterday's dirty linens. Her mother would have been mortified and her father...well, he would have confined her to her room for a week. She didn't know how to convey to the Guerrins that she was completely unable to live up to their expectations of her. She knew they'd arrived expecting to find the naïve but hopeful woman who had appeared on the steps of the Redcliffe chantry, offering to save the village in return for help against Loghain and the blight. She was a different person now. How was she to express her hurt and grief to these men, who not only looked to her as a hero, but probably never understood the love and joy she and Alistair had shared? There was simply no way they could know the severity of her loss.

As she reached the side door of the hall, she stopped with her hand on the wooden frame and looked back at the two brothers as they followed the guard out of the main entrance. They were deep in conversation, and the apology she had considered died on her lips. Better to just leave it alone and let Fergus make amends this evening than risk embarrassing herself further now. Opening the door, she turned left, intending to stop by the armory to retrieve her weapons before making her way to the courtyard. She hung her head, thinking of ways to avoid the banquet later, when she heard rapid footsteps approaching from behind.

"My lady," Bann Teagan said as he fell into step beside her.

Elle's heart sank. She wasn't sure she could deal with this now, and was about to say so when she raised her head and looked at him. The hard light she saw in his eyes stung her, and she quickly focused on her boots once more. "Please, Bann Teagan, call me Elle. As evidenced by the despicable way I handled your arrival, I definitely do not deserve the title of 'lady'. My mother is rolling in her grave right now, I'm sure." Maker's breath! What was wrong with her? How many more ridiculous things could she say in one day? She kept her eyes on the floor, anything to avoid looking at the Bann, as they continued toward the armory.

Finally he spoke. "Pardon my boldness, but was that meant to be an apology, my lady?" His insistence on using the title irritated her. "Because if it was, I think it needs work."

Her head shot up and she looked at him then, anger flashing across her face. His mouth was set in a hard line, but there was also a hint of amusement in his blue eyes. "Pardon me, my lord, but is there a reason you're following me, other than to drive home the fact that I am a miserable failure as a teyrna and hostess?" They had reached the armory, and she shoved the door open and stepped inside, reaching for Starfang and Veshialle, the sword and axe that seemed made to fit her hands. "Because believe me, I already know, and I really don't need your help to feel more inadequate."

Teagan leaned against the door frame. "I would never presume to judge you, my lady. Though I will confess, Eamon was rather _surprised_ at your 'greeting.'" Elle heard the hint of sarcasm in his voice, and looked at him sharply as she strapped the axe on her back. "I was following you simply to ask if I might observe your training session this afternoon. I have only ever seen you fight hordes of undead and darkspawn, and I'm eager to see your skill in single combat."

She reddened and hastily pulled Starfang halfway out of its scabbard, intently studying the blade and hoping Teagan didn't notice her discomfort. She knew she was acting like a petulant child, but he was baiting her and she found she couldn't stop herself. "If that's the only reason, then I'm a hurlock. But I have no control over your actions, Bann Teagan, you may go where you please. I only ask that you don't interrupt or distract me while I'm sparring with the recruits." She practically spat out the words, praying that her vitriol would make him leave her alone.

She glanced at him from under her eyelashes, to gauge his reaction. "Of course not, my lady. It would be a shame if one of those untrained boys actually managed to find a way through your defenses." He was actually grinning, and had one eyebrow cocked as he watched her inspect her sword.

She slammed Starfang back in the scabbard, bristling at Teagan's obvious reference to her emotional state, and pushed past him into the hall. She purposefully lengthened her strides, forcing him to nearly jog in order to keep up with her. She opened her mouth intent on a retort, when he spoke again, his tone all politeness.

"Actually, my lady, if I may make an observation?"

Elle snorted. "I knew it. Somehow, Bann Teagan, I doubt I could stop you. Please, observe what you will."

"You seem much changed since I saw you last. Did the defeat of the blight affect you so much?"

"Ha!" Elle barked a laugh with no hint of mirth. "My lord, that was a question, not an observation, and I have no idea how to respond other than to ask you to remember the date, and to say we have arrived." With that, she pushed open the door to the courtyard and stepped out into the rain to greet the recruits.

Elle strode toward the six men, who were huddled under an overhang on the opposite side of the yard. Teagan, she noticed, leaned against the wall near the door and crossed his arms, a thoughtful look on his face. She shook her head and turned her attention to the recruits.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen! I am Elle Cousland, Commander of the forces of Highever. Undoubtedly you have met Ser Geoffrey, who is your immediate superior in the house guard. I trust you understand that his word is law. I am HIS superior. This means I am stationed somewhere just below the Maker and his blessed Andraste in your personal hierarchy of people you _might_ want to pay attention to when they are speaking!" One of the recruits who had been busily picking his fingernails jumped slightly at this, and dropped his arms to his sides.

"Now, I'm sure you are all standing there thinking how nice it would be to be inside, out of the rain. Well, welcome to Highever in wintertime. It rains. And if you can't fight in the rain, you are no good to the Couslands or the city. If you have no _desire_ to fight in the rain, feel free to leave now." Unsurprisingly, none of the six men took her up on that offer. "If you think you will never _need_ to fight as a member of the castle guard, let me remind you of the events that occurred two years ago."

Sufficiently cowed, the men looked at her with a mixture of fear and awe. This was the one time she didn't mind her status as a hero. If it caused the recruits to pay attention to training, then she would use it without hesitation. "Now, who would like to go first?"

The men exchanged nervous glances, obviously hesitant to volunteer for anything she might have in mind. "Come now! No one? I promise you, I will come to no harm, if that is your concern."

From the wall behind her, Bann Teagan made a strangled sound that indicated stifled laughter, and Elle whirled to face him. "Ah, how could I forget to introduce our guest? May I present Bann Teagan of Rainesfere, who seems most eager to take up my challenge." She grinned when he blanched at the predatory light in her eyes, and she resisted the urge to make him pay physically for interrupting. "Alas, it would hardly be a fair fight, even if he_ was_ armed."

To her shock, Teagan recovered and smiled broadly, giving a florid bow. "Ah, my lady, I carry no weapons because you have completely disarmed me."

Elle felt an uncontrollable blush creep up her face, and cursed her fair features for their inability to hide any emotion. Maker's arse, why was he even _here? _She prayed for an errant lightning bolt to strike him down on the spot. When the Maker showed no signs of sharing her wrath, sheturned and stalked to the recruit at the end of the line. "You! What is your name?"

"J-Jarvis, my lady," he stammered.

"Well, Jarvis, you're first. Out into the center of the yard, please." She pushed Teagan out of her mind and raised her voice again so all of the recruits could hear as she moved out into the yard with Jarvis. "Yes, it is muddy and your footing will be less sure. You must take that into account with every move you make. Your hand may slip on the pommel of your sword. Water may drip into your eyes. You have to put aside these distractions and be as prepared to fight as you would be in perfect weather. Alright Jarvis, ready yourself. I don't expect brilliance, I am only here to see how you handle a friendly spar with an opponent in the rain. That being said, I do not want you to hold back." Elle drew Starfang, deciding to hold off on her second weapon until she knew the recruits' abilities better.

Without warning she attacked, determined to keep the shield-bearing Jarvis on the defensive. With her left hand unarmed, she adopted a fencer's stance, keeping her body turned away from the recruit's parries and blocks. Elle knew she had the advantage with her greater dexterity and lack of an unwieldy shield, and she was easily able to dodge Jarvis's half-hearted lunges. After several minutes, she could tell he was tiring, and she neatly parried his next thrust, disarming him with a twist of her blade. He was crestfallen, and gave her an embarrassed look.

Elle chuckled as she retrieved his blade and handed it to him. "Jarvis, you look like a drowned rat. Go stand under the eave, and don't worry so much. You did fine. I do hope the rest of you are watching and learning. Who's next?"

The recruits were obviously trained in the use of sword and shield, but they were far from proficient. As she fought each in turn, Elle was able to relax and consider the events of the day. The physical exertion served as an outlet for her sadness and the anger and frustration it had caused in her dealings with Eamon and Teagan. Of course, Teagan hadn't helped matters by pressing the issue. She was unaccustomed to anything other than careful deference to her feelings by Fergus and the household staff. Somewhat ashamed, she was forced to admit that her grief had caused Castle Cousland's residents to operate as if on pins and needles wherever she was concerned. This still didn't excuse her poor treatment of Eamon and Teagan, and she knew a true apology would be in order later at dinner.

She gave a resigned sigh and turned her attention to her current opponent, the last of the six recruits. She advanced, and nearly overbalanced when he lost his footing in the mud and fell down backwards. "That's alright, Anders, I think we were about done, anyway." She reached down and grabbed his wrist, helping him to his feet. She motioned him over to stand with the others and turned to address them.

"Excellent, gentlemen. While you are obviously unpracticed, especially in the rain, it is nothing a few months training with Ser Geoffrey can't remedy. I see potential in all of you, have no fear. I hope you learned more today than just your personal limitations when fighting in less than ideal conditions. I certainly hope you noticed that a dexterous opponent can be a deadly one, despite appearances. They can possess nearly unlimited endurance, and _will_ outlast you unless you are prepared with different tactics to defeat them. Do not worry, these will be subjects that you will have plenty of practice with in the coming months. Allow me to officially welcome you to the castle guard." Elle smiled as they visibly relaxed. "Now, you're dismissed, but do take care to clean and dry your armor and weapons properly. The Cousland house guard is not known for their rusty apparel."

The recruits chuckled at this as they filed out of the courtyard toward the barracks. Elle sheathed Starfang and walked toward the opposite door, wiping water out of her eyes and pushing her wet hair off her face. She had nearly forgotten about her observer until Teagan hurried past to open the door for her.

"After you, my lady," he said with a tiny bow. "That was a most impressive display of martial leadership and prowess with a blade, I must admit."

Elle felt herself bristling again, and wondered at this man's ability to get under her skin. She supposed it was partially a result of her inability to determine if Teagan was poking fun at her or if he was earnest in his praise. She bit back a sharp retort, deciding to take the more polite course of action. Maker knew she had done enough to upset him and his brother already that day. "Thank you, Bann Teagan."

They continued, unspeaking, to the armory, where she unstrapped her weapons and began to clean and dry the blades. She was mustering the courage to apologize for her previous behavior when Teagan broke the silence.

"My lady, I understand that today is the anniversary of Alistair's death, and I understand that you faced the horrors of the blight and countless battles against innumerable darkspawn. I also understand that horror and loss can dramatically affect and change a person. But if I may be so bold, I cannot understand how the vibrant young woman I knew could hide herself away behind this wall of despair and hostility. I am in no way dismissing your grief, but you were a fighter, Elle Cousland, and to see you give into this with no resistance saddens me more than you could know."

Elle battled to control herself. Teagan's words rang true, cutting her to the core. She looked at him with shining eyes as rage overtook grief, and she slammed her hands on the table, knocking Starfang and Veshialle to the ground. Teagan's eyes widened as she practically yelled at him. "What did you come here expecting to find, Bann Teagan? How could you possibly understand or know what I've lost in the past two years? You have your family, a home, freedom, and I presume some pretty Rainesfere lass waiting for you to return. What do I have? My family, my home, my freedom, my heart, all of it, gone! That woman you met in Redcliffe _was _me, but she is broken and I'm not sure there is any glue strong enough to put her back together. My _life_ is loss!" Elle's voice dropped to nearly a whisper as she stalked out of the armory. "It seems I am able to give happiness to everyone else, and only take it away from myself."

Before Teagan could speak, she turned to look him in the eye and nearly snarled, "If you will excuse me, Ser, I have armor to clean, a bath to take, and a dress to don so I can be presentable for this evening. Don't worry, I promise to behave as a proper lady, perhaps more to your _expectations_, yes?"

She whirled away from the shock in Teagan's eyes and stalked toward her room, unable at last to hold back a stream of bitter tears.


	3. Chapter 3: Hunting

_A/N: Thanks again to my reviewers, I really do appreciate your thoughts! _

_And of course to Tarante11a, who encouraged me and allowed me to use ellipses ;)_

_I promise, Elle will be leaving Highever very soon..._

**Chapter 3: Hunting**

"There you go, my lady, pretty as a painting!" Lorina had finished pinning her hair and Elle turned to look in the mirror. The maid had arranged her auburn curls in a relaxed chignon, tight enough to hold the hair in place, but loose enough that several tendrils hung free.

"It looks very nice, Lorina, thank you." Elle smiled at her maid as she stood up and began to pace. The green dress Lorina found set off her fair skin and emerald eyes perfectly, and had she not been full of nervous energy, she might have taken time to appreciate the way she looked. She had been anxious all afternoon, constantly framing differently-toned apologies in her mind. Eamon would be the easier of the two, she concluded, so she had decided to approach him as soon as dinner began. Teagan was more problematic, and she was struggling to come up with words adequate enough to make up for her earlier treatment of him.

It hadn't helped matters that the dressing down she had expected from Fergus upon his return never materialized. She'd heard the commotion in the hallway when he passed on the way to his rooms to clean up after his errand, and waited in grim anticipation for his knock on the door. She'd thought it only a matter of time before her brother would storm in and tell her in quiet tones how disappointed he was, and how she had failed him. Rather than feeling relieved that he had spared her the guilt, it made her more anxious for the dinner to come. In addition to practicing speeches, she was battling an intense feeling of foreboding that Fergus would find some underhanded and secret way to make her pay for the way she'd acted with Eamon and Teagan.

Elle sighed as Lorina reminded her that it was time to go down to dinner. By the time she reached the door to the hall, her stomach was knotted with dread and nervousness. She was gathering the courage to open the door, when Fergus walked up behind her.

"What's wrong Elle? You look positively green," he said, with no hint of sarcasm in his voice. He actually sounded concerned, and the possibility that he hadn't yet spoken to Eamon or Teagan crossed her mind. She felt relieved that one of her worries might be for nothing. "It's Arl Eamon, and Bann Teagan, so I'm told. They like and respect you, and owe you a great debt. I'm sure they'll be sensitive to the date, if that is your worry. And I _know_ you must be hungry! If the taint causes as much hunger in the darkspawn as it does in you, it's no wonder they invade the surface, they must run out of food!" Fergus laughed and clapped her on the shoulder before pushing past her to open the door.

Elle groaned with dismay as her stomach rumbled, giving truth to Fergus's assertion. The hunger served as a brief distraction from her nerves, but by the time she had followed her brother through the door into the hall, her appetite was forgotten. She looked around for Eamon, intending to follow through on her resolve to make an apology. She hurried past Fergus and Teagan without making eye contact, overhearing them discussing hunting and the best areas around Highever. She was more than happy to allow Fergus to distract the bann until she had confronted Eamon. She found her target in the corner, speaking with Ser Geoffrey.

With an air of confidence she didn't feel, Elle addressed the elder Guerrin. "Arl Eamon, might I have a word with you? It will be brief, I assure you."

"Of course, my lady," Eamon said with a smile. He nodded at Ser Geoffrey, who moved away silently in order to give them privacy.

Once Ser Geoffrey was out of earshot, Elle's words came out in a rush. "My lord, I wish to apologize for my rude dismissal of you and your brother earlier. It was horribly unkind of me, and I am ashamed to think of it. You have always been a friend to me and my family, especially during the blight, and I treated you abominably. Without your help, I never would have survived that Landsmeet. Please, I ask that you don't hold it against Fergus, and that your reason for coming not be affected in any way by my actions."

She wasn't sure how Eamon would react, but his soft chuckle was certainly not what she expected. "My child, you have nothing to apologize for. I will admit I was a bit shocked at first, but after Teagan explained the situation to me this afternoon, I realize I have no right to feel any sort of indignation toward you. I know how important Alistair was to all of us, but to my shame, time has dulled the memory of just how much you cared for each other. No, my dear, if anything, I should apologize to you for being insensitive to that fact. It is quite obvious to me that this would have been a challenging day for you even had our arrival not been a part of it."

The compassion she saw on Eamon's face only made Elle feel more ashamed of her behavior, but his kind words and almost fatherly tone couldn't quell the other emotions roiling around inside her. Of course there was the familiar pain at the mention of Alistair, but she also felt a twinge of unease at the implication of Teagan's involvement in Eamon's softening toward her. She wasn't surprised -- of course the brothers would discuss the events of the afternoon -- but she was left wondering just what Teagan could have said to 'explain the situation' in such a manner that Eamon's shock could be replaced so easily with understanding.

"Thank you, Ser, but no manner of circumstances could serve to excuse my behavior. Your compassion shames me." Elle bowed her head and was silent for a moment. When she felt Eamon place a reassuring hand on her shoulder, she looked up and decided to change the subject to address a question that had been on her mind for a while. "I do have a question, my lord, if you'll permit me."

"Of course, my lady."

"What brings you both to Highever at this time of year? I hope all is well in Redcliffe and Rainesfere, though I'm sure that Fergus would be more than willing to send any sort of aid necessary, if that is not the case."

Eamon laughed. "My dear, it is nothing quite so dire, I assure you. In fact, it is happy news, I think, for all of us. As you may be aware, for the past year Isolde and I have resided in Denerim, where I have been acting as Queen Anora's chancellor and adviser. Teagan has been splitting his time between Rainesfere and Redcliffe, acting in my stead. We both decided that for the sake of my brother's sanity, it would be best if I were to abdicate my position as the Arl of Redcliffe in favor of him. He has done an outstanding job acting for me, and the people there admire and respect him. Also, in honor of his service and leadership during the siege of Redcliffe, Teagan intends to name Ser Perth as Bann of Rainesfere. Our visit here was merely to inform your brother of our intentions before formally petitioning the Landsmeet."

For the first time in hours, Elle genuinely smiled. "Arl Eamon, this is wonderful news! I am truly happy for you all, and I'm sure neither Fergus nor the Landsmeet could have any objections."

"Oh, I'm quite sure a noble from some obscure house will find a way to come up with something!"

Elle chuckled, which thankfully hid the sound of her stomach grumbling for food. She blushed and said quickly, "If you would excuse me, I should go check with the staff about dinner."

"Of course, my dear." With this, Eamon turned and made his way toward Fergus, who was in the process of describing to Teagan something that looked vaguely like a boar hunt, complete with pantomime and sound effects. Elle shook her head and walked to the door nearest the kitchen, which had just opened a small way to reveal the dour face of a Horace, peeking into the room. After confirming that dinner was on the way, she wandered over to the table.

She was pretending to adjust the place settings, but her mind was elsewhere as she idly fingered a dessert fork. Emotions caused by the events of the day warred within her. She found it hard to believe, but the ever-present grief that had been her constant companion for a year was actually overshadowed today by other, more pressing feelings. Shame at her behavior was one, as well as a familiar discomfort at social situations. This discomfort was somehow made worse by the presence of the Guerrins, especially Teagan. She couldn't quite put a name to the feeling the presence of Eamon's younger brother instilled in her, especially after the events of the afternoon. The best description she could find was 'disquiet', but that wasn't entirely correct. She found it slightly disturbing that he was able to put her on the defensive so easily, and she resolved to be more stoic around him.

Her thoughts wandered then to Alistair. She longed for him, and missed the lighthearted commentary he would have been whispering in her ear as the evening progressed. She smiled sadly down at the table setting, thinking how they had never really shared a formal meal together, when she felt a light touch on her elbow and found herself looking at a goblet of red wine.

"Far be it from me to correct a lady, but I feel I must. You were quite mistaken in your earlier assumption. Wine?"

Elle's brow furrowed in confusion as she was jarred from her memories. She looked up and found Bann Teagan standing next to her holding the goblet, a smile playing around the corners of his mouth.

"Um, wha – I mean, I'm sorry, my lord, but I don't understand." Elle stared at him dumbly before feeling a hint of anger at his ability to put her so completely off-balance. She pushed it away, recalling her resolve to be more controlled.

Teagan smiled broadly and handed her the goblet. "Earlier today, during our..." He paused slightly as Elle reddened, "_conversation._"

When he wasn't forthcoming with more information, Elle spoke, trying to keep her tone light. "Oh, you mean the one where you said only things that were perfectly true, and I berated you like a spoiled child who just had her toys taken away?" Teagan chuckled, and she wondered where in the world she found the courage to say something like that. "I – I wanted to apologize for that, actually, and I was standing here...um...rearranging the place settings and thinking about it, trying to determine how to do so without seeming like a complete fool. And then...well...here you are!" Elle resisted the urge to clap a hand over her mouth, and instead looked back down at the table, blushing furiously. She marveled at her transformation from poised young woman to babbling idiot in a matter of seconds.

She grabbed the wine and took a long pull, hoping the distraction would calm her nerves. Teagan's eyes widened, then he broke out into laughter. "Apology accepted, my lady. And I might add, you look especially lovely this evening."

Elle took another swig to hide her discomfort at his compliment, and her earlier confusion returned. "Thank you, my lord, but you still did not clarify: which assumption were you referring to?" She decided that perhaps drinking the wine on an empty stomach might not be the best idea and set the goblet on the table. She needed to be calm and dignified, and the warmth from the alcohol spreading through her wasn't helping matters.

Teagan leaned against the table and grinned. "Well, my lady, you were correct on several counts, one being that I have a home. My freedom is somewhat debatable, though I suppose it is considerably more than a Grey Warden has. And yes, my brother and nephew are both alive, due to your efforts, of course." He bowed slightly, and his tone turned more serious. "And much to my shame, you were also correct about my expectations for this visit. I admit I _had _thought to find the same person I knew in Redcliffe. So you see, I owe_ you_ an apology for that mistake."

Before he could continue, Elle stopped him with a shake of her head. "No, Bann Teagan, please don't do that. No perceived fault of yours could serve to excuse my behavior earlier. It was entirely inappropriate, no matter the circumstances. I've never made excuses for my actions, that much about me has not changed, and I cannot allow you to do so, either." She stood up straighter, emboldened, and looked him in the eye, though her voice took on a grim cast. "I just... well, I need to learn to accept the consequences of my choices."

Teagan held her gaze with an earnest expression, as if he could sense there was more to her final words than he understood. Thankfully he didn't ask her to elaborate. Instead, a look of what Elle could almost describe as relief flashed across his face, and he smiled. "I am glad, my lady, to catch a rare glimpse of the old Elle Cousland."

Elle knew she should feel irritated by his presumption, but anger or hurt were not the first thoughts to pop into her head. Instead, she felt an uncharacteristic desire to defer the situation with an attempt at humor, and her tone turned light as she feigned indignation. "My lord, are you implying that I am old? That is hardly a proper thing to say to a noble lady of Ferelden, don't you think? First you deftly avoid answering my question, _again_, and now you comment on my age. I am quite put out." She grinned to see Teagan redden slightly.

"Of course not, my lady," he protested, laughing. "I would never presume to comment on such a taboo subject as your age! Any intelligent man knows that every court lady is a lass of no more than twenty, isn't that correct?"

"A most politic answer, Bann Teagan. You do every nobleman proud by being such an excellent representative. And yet, you _still_ have not told me which assumption I was wrong about earlier, and I am starting to get impatient." Elle was genuinely curious as to his meaning now, and she was nothing if not persistent.

She crossed her arms and looked at Teagan expectantly, who gave a resigned smile. "You are quite perseverant, my lady. Perhaps I shouldn't have -"

"Teagan, my friend!" Fergus yelled across the room with a beckoning gesture. "Your brother was just telling me about a most excellent stream near Rainesfere which boasts some extraordinary fishing. See here, dinner is ready, come sit and tell me all about it!"

Teagan had the grace to apologize before moving to join Fergus at the table. "I am sorry my lady. Perhaps we can continue this conversation at a later time. I suppose I do owe you an answer."

Elle sighed and gave her brother an exasperated look, but he was oblivious. "I will hold you to that, Bann Teagan," she replied. She shook her head in frustration and moved to her seat, wondering if she would ever have the chance to find out his meaning. She supposed she shouldn't hold it against Fergus, as he so rarely had the chance to discuss matters other than the rebuilding of Highever. She wondered if she was selfish, keeping her brother to herself all these months. Perhaps she should have encouraged him to travel more, or at least head outdoors for a bit of sport now and then. Deep down, she knew he threw himself into his work for the same reason she did, and she felt a twinge of sadness for Oriana and Oren. It was difficult for her to acknowledge, but Fergus had lost as much, if not more than she had.

Elle remained quiet for the majority of the meal, answering questions when asked but not volunteering anything otherwise. The men talked of hunting and tournaments and the coming Landsmeet, and by the end of dinner, plans were made to go out in search of boar the next morning. There was a time in her life when she would have been interested – even insistent – on joining them, but sport and politics held few attractions for her now. Her ears did perk up when they began discussing plans to travel to Denerim for the Landsmeet, three days hence.

"My lords," she interjected. "You are, of course, most welcome to remain here until then. I'm sure Fergus would enjoy your company on the road, as well, isn't that right, brother?" Elle wasn't sure if Fergus had even remembered the coming Landsmeet, and she was sure he wasn't looking forward to going. She was certain if she hadn't said something first, he would have found some way to convince her to attend in his stead.

Fergus sighed. "Yes, that would make the journey more bearable. I can pester Eamon and Teagan for the latest political news. Though I'm not sure I can think of anything more boring than hearing an exhaustive list of which banns are at war with each other and who had the greatest wool production this year. I wish Fereldan politics was interesting, like the dwarves'. At least I could get excited about that!"

Elle gave a sardonic laugh. "Trust me, Fergus, you do _not_ want that. Dwarven politics is more ruthless than the blight, as far as I'm concerned. I would rather face a horde of hungry darkspawn than the Orzammar Assembly any day. Ogres would be more tranquil and decidedly less deadly than the deshyrs."

The men laughed in response, and she was suddenly struck by a memory of the first time she set foot in the Orzammar Assembly hall. Alistair was with her, of course, as were Wynne and Leliana. "So this is the site of the famous dwarven politics," he'd said, right before one noble threatened another with bodily harm over a simple trade agreement. "Er... If I _do_ become king, remind me not to eat anything when I travel here, it seems it might be a bit dangerous." She had laughed at him then, but the more she'd learned of Orzammar, the more she came to agree with his assessment. She was smiling wistfully when she heard her name.

"Elle? Oh Eeelllle!" She snapped her head up and glared at Fergus, who was laughing quietly. "Sorry, you were a thousand miles away for a second. I was just saying, we are going to turn in now, so we can be up nice and early to ride out. Would you be so kind as to inform Horace that we're finished, and make sure the stable staff knows we'll need horses in the morning?"

"I'm sorry Fergus. Of course." She shook off the memory and moved to stand, the men rising from their seats as well. "I bid you good night, gentlemen."

She moved toward the door closest to the kitchens, hoping to find Horace there. As she reached it, she heard Bann Teagan call her name. "Yes, my lord?" She turned toward him as he walked over, giving him a tired smile.

"It is nothing important, my lady, but I believe I still owe you an answer. I am, after all, the one who brought it up in the first place."

"Ah yes, my mistaken assumption. Do tell, Bann Teagan."

"There is no lass, pretty or otherwise, waiting for me," he said softly. Teagan looked at her intently, as if studying her or anticipating a reaction. Elle shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and tried to form an appropriate response.

"Oh, I...I see," was all she could manage, as she wondered why his statement would cause a blush to begin creeping up her cheeks. She tried in vain to think of something more eloquent to say. "I'm sorry. Um...not that there is no one, but that I assumed wrongly. I mean, I _am_ sorry that there is no one, but I'm also sorry that I implied that I thought you _should_ have someone. I mean, I think... oh dear, I am going to stop speaking now." Elle's face was on fire, and she prayed fervently for the Maker to strike her dead on the spot. Teagan's eyes were twinkling with merriment, which only made her feel worse. Of course, after _that_ articulate display, she deserved to be ridiculed.

Elle berated herself. She was usually so steady, but everything this man did or said to her unsettled her in ways she couldn't justify. She had built herself a stable emotional place out of her grief and guilt, so the events of the day troubled her. It was confusing how easily Teagan was able to overturn things she had taken a year to construct. She had tried to portray an image of a strong and emotionless noblewoman, yet here he was, proving the brittleness of that facade. She wanted to cry, but for the first time in a year it was not for grief over Alistair, but for the loss of her carefully guarded control.

As she fought back tears, she watched Teagan's expression change from one of gentle amusement to something more intense. Elle struggled to ignore her stomach, which did traitorous somersaults as he took her hand and raised it briefly to his lips.

"Good night, Elle."


	4. Chapter 4: Flight

_A/N: Time to give Elle a bit of a kick! BIG thank you to my reviewers, you keep me going (really). If you like this story, tell your friends...i love feedback, both good and constructive._

_Of course, huge love to Tarante11a for her amazing eye for tone and consistency! Also, I'd like to thank the people at thesaurus__.com because I think I use that site every 5 minutes._

**Chapter 4: Flight**

Elle sat at the large desk in the castle study, trying to work some much-needed improvements to the streets in the Highever alienage into the budget. She was enjoying the quiet of the morning. The rain had stopped sometime in the night, though the sky remained a drab grey. Fergus had taken their two noble guests hunting, along with a small company of guards, and they weren't expected back until later that day.

The solitude provided a welcome reprieve for Elle's battered emotions. Her sleep had been restive, affected in no small part by the overwhelming array of feelings caused by events of the previous day. Even now, she had a hard time erasing her final image of Teagan from the night before, looking into her eyes as he kissed her hand. She found this fact profoundly confusing, considering how angry and frustrated he had made her feel only a few hours prior to dinner. Irritation, pique, sadness, guilt, these were things she could understand. They were familiar and comfortable, like a well-worn pair of boots, and she could put them on every day and be at home. But this slightly warm sensation, this tiny bit of lightness in her center that felt suspiciously like _floating_, this was unwelcome because it was new and just didn't fit with everything else.

Elle shook her head in annoyance and returned her attention to the books in front of her. Realizing that she could not truly concentrate on the finances this morning, she shoved the chair backward and stalked out of the study toward the kennels. Leo always made her feel better, probably because he was unconditionally loyal and expected nothing from her in return. Sometimes she wished all of the people in her life were as refreshingly simple.

She was almost to the kennels when she heard a commotion coming from somewhere distant inside the castle. She sighed and changed course, intending to go investigate, when a guard rushed around the corner. He narrowly avoided colliding with her as he drew up short.

"My lady," he gasped, out of breath from running. "You must come! Quickly!" With that, the guard hastily turned and sped toward the kitchen.

Elle felt a stab of fear and raced after him, yelling as she went. "What is it? What is going on?" A vivid memory of another night, two years past, raced into the forefront of her mind, and she ran faster. "Why are we going to the kitchens? Please, man, you must speak!"

The guard answered over his shoulder. "My lady, it's the Teyrn! He's been wounded, they just arrived and took him there! Please come!"

Terror gripped her then and she sprinted the final yards to the kitchen. She burst in to find Eamon barking orders to her kitchen staff, who were frantically warming water and finding clean linens. Teagan had removed his armor and rolled up his sleeves, revealing forearms covered in blood. Elle gasped to see Fergus lying on one of the counters, unconscious and pale, with what could only be described as a _hole_ in his side. His armor had been stripped away and it was obvious where the blood on Teagan's hands had come from.

Elle ran to his side, screaming curses at men and their penchant for doing stupid things in order to impress each other.

"Has anyone sent for a healer?!" She glanced around for the nearest elven servant, her gaze alighting on one of the young stable boys who happened to be unoccupied. She gestured to get his attention. "Please, I know your hahren has some ability with healing herbs and poultices! Can you please find her? Explain what has happened and please ask her to come!" The boy tore away with a silent nod and left through the exit in the larder.

Tears were streaming down Elle's face as she turned back to Fergus. "I swear to the Maker, Fergus, if you die, I will pay every mage in the tower to _shove_ me into the Fade so I can hunt you down myself! You _cannot_ leave me alone here!" She grabbed his shoulders and was about to shake him when she felt strong hands grip her arms.

"My lady, please, come away." Teagan's voice was low and serious. "They need to clean and dress that before we can take him to his room."

Elle shook him off and whipped around, poking him in the chest with her index finger as she snarled at him. "You! This is your fault! You and your brother and your stupid hunting fetish. Don't presume to tell me what to do in my home!" She turned back to Fergus, staring down at his still form. When she looked up at Teagan again, the anger and tears had turned into firm resolve.

"Never mind. I know what I need to do. Arl Eamon, please move him to his room when you can. Emma, instead of wringing your hands in the corner, please make up a pack with a week's worth of traveling rations for myself and Leo and bring it to the stables " The cook nodded and set about the task, obviously relieved to be busy.

Elle pushed past them, purposefully ignoring Teagan, then turned back to explain. "I am going to the Circle of Magi. He needs a mage. While I am gone, the hahren of the alienage will be attending him. Let her do what she must to keep him alive. She will have full access to the kitchen, the gardens, whatever she needs." She looked around for another servant, finding a scullery maid cowering near the ovens.

"Come here, girl. I need you to run to the stables and tell them to saddle my horse, then go to the kennels and find Leo. Just tell him to come to me and let him inside the castle, he will understand you." The frightened girl nodded and Elle followed her out the door.

Elle was halfway to her room when Teagan caught up with her. "I'm going with you," he said firmly.

She gave an angry sigh. "Absolutely not! I travel faster on my own. I will have my mabari with me for protection. And if you think I'm some damsel in distress who needs protection on the road, you are sorely mistaken, Bann Teagan."

Teagan grabbed her forearm to stop her and spun her around to face him. His tone was forceful and Elle could see a hint of anger in his eyes. "I do _not_ think that, my lady. You certainly do enjoy your assumptions, don't you? I _am_ going with you, not because you need protection, but because I happen to agree with you. Had I not encouraged the hunt this morning, Fergus would not be lying in your kitchens with a hole in his side right now."

Elle stared it him, mute with shock. She desperately wanted to take this journey alone, but she could tell by the determined look on Teagan's face that there would be no keeping him from following her. His answer simultaneously shamed and angered her. She was ashamed of her poor assumptions, which she seemed to be making a lot of lately. And she was angry at him, not because he had the gall to actually yell at her, but because he wasn't_ afraid_ of her. She felt tears welling up in her eyes as she shook his hand off her arm.

"I need to change and prepare for traveling, my lord." Elle turned toward her rooms, defeated. "If you are coming, perhaps you should do the same."

She didn't look back when he answered. "I will meet you in the stables, my lady."

Leo found his way to her door a few minutes after she entered her room, letting out a soft whine to inform Elle of his presence. She opened the door to let him in, and grinned through her tears as he looked up at her expectantly.

"I'm sorry, boy, I don't have a treat for you right now." Leo chuffed in response, then quietly sat down at the foot of her bed. The dog was uncannily perceptive, and Elle could see that he understood she was sad, if not the reason. She squatted down to look him in the eye.

"Fergus is hurt. We're going on a trip to the Circle of Magi's tower to get help for him. You remember it, right?" Leo pinned his ears back and gave a low growl.

"I know, I didn't like it much either, but we need to go back. Wynne is there, and I know she can help." At the mention of the mage's name, Leo barked enthusiastically, clearly pleased at the prospect of seeing an old friend, especially one who would sneak him treats behind Elle's back. Elle smiled and patted him on the head. "It won't be an easy journey, and I need you to be strong. For both of us."

Elle stood up and wiped the tears out of her eyes as Leo laid his head on his paws, feigning sleep. She spent the next half hour packing her things and mentally mapping the fastest route to the Circle Tower. Fear clawed at her insides, but she tried her best to ignore it as she strapped on her armor. It would do Fergus no good if she were to melt into a puddle of terror now, but her desire for practicality did nothing to change the frenetic pace of her preparations. As she stuffed the last item in her pack, she gestured to Leo and barreled out the door, running to Fergus's room.

When she arrived, Arl Eamon was pacing in front of the door. "Ah, my dear, I was waiting for you. He is sleeping." His face was grim. "Your elven hahren just arrived and is tending to him now."

"I need to speak to her," Elle said as she moved to enter the room. Leo took up a place next to the door, as if on guard.

"My lady, before you do, I need to remind you of Highever's responsibilities to the Landsmeet." Elle gave a frustrated sigh at the Arl's words. Her brother was in danger of dying and Eamon wanted to discuss politics! "If Fergus cannot attend, which it seems is to be the case, you _must_ go in his stead. Of course I cannot order you, but remind you that it begins in three weeks. I will stay here for as long as I can, but if you have not returned, I will leave Fergus in the care of your household and the Hahren. I cannot afford to miss any of the Landsmeet."

Elle nodded, trying to keep the irritation she felt from showing on her face. "I understand, Arl Eamon, and I am grateful for your help. It is just over 3 days to the Tower, riding hard. If all goes well, we should be back to Highever in a week. If we are not, please go on to Denerim, and we will join you as soon as possible. I..." Her voice faltered as she glanced at the door. "I hate to leave Fergus here, though."

"I understand, child, but I believe Fergus would tell you the same."

Elle gave a sad smile. "Oh, Arl Eamon, I'm sure he would be quite happy to send me in his place to the Landsmeet, though probably not under circumstances such as these." She opened the door gently and slipped through, looking back to the Arl. "Thank you, again."

She closed the door and turned to Aliana, the leader of the elves in the Highever alienage. She was an older woman, with tinges of grey in her hair and a careworn look that marked her time serving as guide and leader of her people. Elle touched her shoulder softly. "How is he?"

"He is stable for now, my lady, though his wound is very serious. I have managed to stop the bleeding using what little knowledge I have, but he has lost a grave amount of blood. I also have no way to know if the wound will turn septic."

Elle nodded, jaw clenched to hold back tears. She had already done enough crying. "Please, Aliana, I beg you to do anything you can to keep him alive. I am riding to the Circle of Magi to ask for help. I know a week is a long time, but you have free run of the castle while I am gone. Take anything you need from the kitchens, gardens, anywhere. I will have my chamberlain prepare a room for you, and the staff already knows you are to be given anything you require to keep him alive. Arl Eamon will remain here for a time, but he may have to leave before I return."

Aliana nodded. "Thank you my lady. I will do all I can for him."

Elle took her brother's hand and squeezed it gently. "Remember what I said, Fergus. If you die, I'll find you in the Fade. Just, hold on, please?" She swiped at a tear that was threatening to fall, then tried to smile. "I'm going to get Wynne. I know she can help. Stay alive, brother."

Elle dropped his hand and stood up in a fluid motion, giving a last nod to Aliana before striding out the door. Leo joined her and they hurried toward the stables, making a brief stop at the armory along the way. Elle expected to find Starfang and Veshialle on the floor where she had carelessly left them the day before, but they had been carefully cleaned and placed on their racks. When she realized Teagan must have done the job, her feelings of remorse and embarrassment were accompanied by a small sense of wonder that after the way she'd treated him, he was willing to perform any sort of favor for her at all.

Leo's whine brought her back to reality. She grabbed the weapons and locked the armory. She was nearly to the stables when Horace came running up to her, panting heavily and nearly purple with anger. "My lady! You _cannot _expect me to prepare a proper guest room for that...that...elf! First of all, I don't have any spare sheets, as they are all soaked in blood at the moment. Second of all, she is an _elf_! There is no way th – eek!" Horace's eyes grew wide and he choked off his words as Elle's mailed fist grabbed his collar and twisted.

"I do _not_ have the time or patience for this, Horace," she growled. "That _elf_ is the leader of her people and is keeping your teyrn alive. You _will_ treat her with respect, or Maker help me, when I return I will find a new chamberlain and appoint _you_ to deal with the political fallout that will invariably arise should you offend her in any way!"

She dropped him and he gasped, a look of undisguised hatred flashing over his features before being replaced by a mask of bland servitude. "Yes, my lady." He bowed and scurried toward the stairs as she and Leo continued onward, thinking she probably could have handled Horace more diplomatically. Elle pushed the thought out of her mind, telling herself she would deal with it later. They arrived at the stables, where she found her horse standing next to an unfamiliar chestnut gelding, fully tacked and fitted with the sack of rations Emma had made up.

"Hey, 'Ris, you ready to go?" Elle gave her horse a carrot she'd taken from a large barrel in the corner and fastened her pack to the saddle as the horse chewed happily. She was a large jet-black mare, a gift from her father on her eighteenth birthday. Elle hadn't expected to find anything left in Highever when they returned after the blight, but most of the Cousland's horses and livery were still in the stables, being tended by the remnants of Howe's home guard. Despite her fresh grief at the time, her discovery that Charisma still lived and was in reasonably good health remained a bright spot in her memories of the past year. She was strong and fast, and Elle knew she could endure a forced ride to Lake Calenhad. She wondered if Teagan's horse could do the same.

Elle was leading both horses into the courtyard when Teagan rushed out the door, pack in hand. A fresh wave of annoyance ran through Elle, and she looked at him flatly as she tossed him the reins of his horse. "I move quickly, Bann Teagan. I know Leo can keep up. Pray you can as well, because if I lose you, I _will_ leave you behind if I have to." She cringed inside, feeling the harshness of the words as they came out of her mouth, wishing she could unsay them. Annoyance or not, he didn't deserve her poor treatment. She swung her leg up, mounting Charisma in a smooth movement, keeping her attention on Teagan's face to watch for a reaction.

To her surprise, he chuckled as he mounted. "Oh, I have no doubt of that, my lady." His expression turned serious, and when he met her eyes she saw something unidentifiable in his gaze. "Rest assured," he continued, "I have _no_ intention of losing you."

He spurred his horse and cantered out of the gates, leaving Elle staring after him in shock as realization crashed against her like a wave.


	5. Chapter 5: Moving

_A/N: Sorry so long, again. I am so self-critical, it takes me forever to get these out. Be patient, dear readers, the chapters WILL come. I am so jealous of those of you who can put out a chapter per day! _

_Thanks again to my reviewers. Honestly, without your feedback, I would struggle for motivation to keep writing!_

_And of course to the lovely and talented Tarante11a, my beta who has become a friend and confidante and isn't afraid to tell me when I've dialed up the cheesiness factor a bit too much :P Read her stuff, too...it's really good, especially if you're a Zevran fan!_

**Chapter 5: Moving**

They traveled quickly for the rest of the day, slowing at regular intervals to rest the horses and allow Leo to regain some energy. Elle let Charisma set the pace, relying on Teagan to let her know when his horse was beginning to tire. She had decided to make for _The Wandering Wastrel, _a large inn situated where the well-worn track to Highever met the North Road, just east of West Hill. It was a popular resting place and watering hole for merchant caravans making their way between Denerim and the high passes through the Frostbacks, and Elle hoped they could arrive there in time to secure lodging for the night. She had wanted to ride through the night, but Teagan had calmly reminded her that the horses would never last without an extended break.

She was grateful their speed prevented much conversation. Still slightly reeling from the effects of her newfound understanding, she wasn't sure she could handle much more than idle small talk at the moment. Teagan's statement in the courtyard as they were leaving shed an entirely new light on their interactions the previous day. The idea that he had been _flirting _with her all along was one she found disturbing for its implications. She wasn't so much struggling with the _fact_ of it – she had been flirted with before by many different men – it was her reactions to it which were causing Elle more than a little concern.

Since Elle had turned eighteen, it had been her mother's mission in life to find a suitable husband for her amongst the eligible sons of the nobility of Ferelden. Consequently, Elle's mission in life had been to avoid as many of these meetings as possible, and when she couldn't avoid them, to do her best to sabotage them. She had become an expert at recognizing and fending off unwanted advances, much to her mother's chagrin. Most of the choices had been political in nature, simpering sycophants who quite obviously only cared about marrying the daughter of the most powerful noble in the land. The rest had been too boring to interest her or too stupid to keep up with a basic conversation.

Elle had developed a reputation among the nobility of being an untouchable ice queen with a heart of stone, but she knew it wasn't true. Her romantic side was just tucked away, carefully hidden behind a sharp tongue and sharper blades. When she finally met someone who wasn't afraid of swords and could match her barbs with wit of his own, it didn't take very long for her to fall completely, crazily in love. Alistair was everything she'd wanted, plus many things she hadn't realized she needed. He'd let her lead the way in their relationship, and it gave her the strength she'd needed to lead Ferelden against the blight. When he died, all of her confidence and hope had died with him, and the few who had thought to travel to Highever recently to pay her court had been met with stony stares and closed doors.

All of her past experiences meant that Teagan's flirting shouldn't have affected her at all, and yet.... Somehow he was able to reduce her to a blushing, stuttering fool with a few polite words and some subtle innuendo. Unbidden, her thoughts flew back to the look in his eyes when he'd said good night the evening before, and Elle felt a stab of guilt and anger at the warmth induced by the recollection. She pushed the feeling down, irate at herself for betraying Alistair's memory in such a way. She couldn't help wondering what he would have thought of her then, or imagining the look of hurt and disappointment in his eyes had he known.

Teagan's shout brought her back to reality, and she pulled Charisma back to a trot when she saw his chestnut slowing. Elle knew the road well, and she calculated they were about halfway between Highever and the _Wastrel._ After a few minutes, Teagan had nearly caught up, so she slowed 'Ris to a walk.

"There is a stream that comes near the road right up here," she said over her shoulder to Teagan. "It's a good place to stop to rest and water the horses and Leo. We're making good time, and I expect we'll make the crossroads before nightfall. We should probably eat something, as well."

He gave Elle a wry smile as he pulled up beside her. "I confess, it will be a welcome break. You certainly weren't exaggerating about your intended pace."

"Fergus doesn't have time for us to go any slower."

"Indeed, you're right. Come then, where is this stream?"

The spot Elle remembered was obviously a popular one, as someone had made a makeshift hitching post out of some fallen saplings, and there were some large rocks and fallen logs that had been moved into a semi-circular formation around a well-used fire pit. After letting the horses drink, they tied them up and sat down. Elle rummaged through the pack of rations and pulled out a small loaf of bread and some dried meat, which she split into thirds, handing a portion to Teagan. She placed Leo's share on the ground near her feet and smiled as she watched him pounce on the food.

They ate in silence, relieved to be resting. After a few minutes, Teagan spoke. "So, how did your horse come to be called 'Charisma'? It is an interesting name."

Elle smiled at the memories his question invoked. She shrugged and answered the question simply. "Because she is."

When Teagan looked confused, she chuckled and went on. "She was a yearling when my father gave her to me for my eighteenth birthday, and she already had a reputation for being high-spirited and difficult. She gave the hands so much trouble when they were trying to break her in, and when she was stressed she became a holy terror. But afterward – when she was relaxed – she just had this _way_ about her that made it impossible not to love her, and anyone who met her outside of the ring quickly fell prey to her charms.

"One time she was up to her tricks in the training ring and managed to land a kick square in the stomach of our old stable master, Bran. He was _furious_! I thought for a moment he was actually going to hurt her. That was when she walked over to him, stuck her head under his arm and nuzzled him like nothing had happened. After a moment he laughed and threw up his hands, saying, 'Damnable horse! If I could bottle her charisma and sell it in the market, I'd be a rich man!'" Elle smiled wistfully. "After that, I'm not sure I could have called her anything else. I thank the Maker every day she managed to survive everything that happened."

"How...apropos," Teagan said, almost too quietly for her to hear. He looked at her thoughtfully, then smiled and climbed to his feet. "She is a magnificent horse, Elle. Your father was a very wise man." Somewhere along the road they had decided by mutual agreement to drop the formality of titles, but Teagan's use of her name still unsettled her.

Elle blushed and was desperately trying to come up with an appropriate response when Teagan reached down to help her up. "We should be going, I think. You know this country better than I, but we still have quite a way to go, do we not?"

She nodded mutely as she grabbed her pack, then headed over to the horses with Leo padding softly behind. She decided to try to change the subject. "And what about your horse? I'm afraid I still don't know what he's called."

He grinned at her over the withers of his chestnut as he prepared to mount. "Unfortunately, it's rather mundane compared to yours, with no interesting story behind it. His name is Red."

Elle laughed as she climbed into her saddle, glad she was able to deflect the conversation onto a more comfortable track. "Red? Why, Teagan, your creativity knows no bounds!"

"Well, he_ is_ a chestnut," Teagan protested. "Besides, I can safely say that I had no influence over his name. You can blame Eamon's stable staff for that!"

She shook her head and led them out of the clearing. As she spurred Charisma to a rapid canter, her thoughts turned again to Fergus and fear clawed at her heart. She whispered a small prayer to the Maker as they rode, begging for her brother's life and asking for strength for the journey to the Circle and back. She wasn't particularly religious, but she figured a little divine guidance couldn't be a bad thing.

They rode the rest of the afternoon and arrived at the _Wastrel_ just past nightfall. Elle was grateful to find they had two rooms available, and that the busy innkeeper didn't seem to recognize her. As the maid led them through the commons toward the lodging area, Elle noticed the stares from the merchants and other travelers. She supposed it wasn't every day a fully-armored woman walked into the inn, and for once she wished she'd worn something a bit less noticeable.

When the maid stopped at a door and indicated it was Elle's room, she thanked the girl and nodded to Teagan before slipping inside, Leo at her heels. The room was clean and well-kept, and there was a basin of fresh water on the vanity. She hastily removed her armor and donned the simple brown dress she had packed, which was much more appropriate for sitting in the common room of an inn. As she was washing her face, her stomach growled loud enough to cause Leo to chuff quietly.

"Oh, hush, you." Elle made a face at the dog and grabbed a towel. "I know you're hungry too, you've been running all day. Don't try to deny it! Don't worry, we'll go downstairs soon enough."

Leo wagged his tail and barked happily at the prospect of food. Elle had no qualms about taking him into the commons with her. Fereldans were accustomed to seeing travelers, mercenaries, soldiers and guards with mabari companions, and most establishments welcomed the dogs, knowing their owners would purchase an extra meal for them.

After a few more minutes of trying and failing to tame her hair, Elle's hunger finally overtook her desire to look presentable. She threw her hands in the air and looked at Leo, who was pacing by the door. "Oh fine! You win, let's go." Leo barked and bounded out the door in front of her, and she rushed to keep up, laughing at his exuberance.

They picked their way through the crowded commons as Elle scanned around for a free table. Leo's presence discouraged many of the drunken patrons from paying too much attention to her, and before they got too far into the room, Elle spotted Teagan sitting at a booth on the far wall. He had changed into a loose-fitting linen shirt, and was staring into a mug of ale with a pensive look on his face. Elle slowed, taking a moment to study him. She couldn't deny he was handsome, and even simply dressed he had an air of nobility that was impossible to hide. Nevertheless, it took more than a pretty face and charming words to throw her off guard, and she was still having trouble pinpointing why this man was worming his way into her consciousness. She certainly hadn't encouraged it, nor did she even _want_ him there. She didn't think she was ready for anything that could pass as a normal relationship.

As if he could feel her eyes on him, Teagan chose that moment to raise his head and meet her gaze, causing Elle to flush in embarrassment. She looked down and pretended to search for Leo as she continued toward the table, making a show of calling for the mabari. By the time she took a seat across from Teagan, she'd composed herself enough to motion to the passing barmaid. She ordered an ale and four of whatever they were serving that night for dinner. Leo barked happily at the surprised maid, and she scurried off to fill the order.

When Elle finally looked at Teagan, she saw he was watching her with one eyebrow cocked and a questioning grin. "Four dinners? I see two people and one mabari. Dare I ask who the fourth serving is for?"

Elle blushed and smiled at him sheepishly. "I suppose you would have no way of knowing this, but one of the side effects of joining the Grey Wardens is...well...a _slight_ increase in appetite. And we haven't eaten a real meal all day!" As if on cue, her stomach rumbled loudly enough for anyone within ten meters to hear, causing Teagan to laugh heartily.

Elle's look of consternation sobered him. "I'm sorry, Elle, I suppose I shouldn't laugh. I didn't realize the Joining was an actual physical thing."

She nodded as the same boy who stabled their horses set a mug of ale down on the table in front of her. "Yes. It's...painful. Many don't survive it. And it _does_ change you physically. The increase in appetite is only one effect. I cannot say why, but suffice it to say it is secret for a good reason." She took a swig of ale, savoring the warmth of the drink as it spread through her. Teagan's comment brought back memories of her own Joining, and of Daveth and Jory. She never thought of them now, but back then, she was still so innocent. She hadn't yet become numb to the constant death that would surround her for the next year.

Elle smiled brightly at Teagan. She could tell he wanted to ask more, and was grateful when he decided to change the subject, though the new line of conversation was no less troublesome than the last. "I am also not very knowledgeable, I admit, when it comes to the Circle of Magi. Do you...do you think they will let me – " he shook his head slightly and corrected himself. "Us...do you think they will let _us_ see Connor?"

Elle's head jerked up at the question, her eyes widening in surprise. "Well, they will if I have anything to say about it!" Her tone was forceful. She hadn't considered that Connor might be another reason for Teagan's insistence on joining her for this journey, and she felt stupid and ashamed for not thinking of it sooner. She sighed.

"I'm afraid I owe you another apology, Teagan. The thought of Connor at the Tower hadn't even crossed my mind this morning when I so rudely refused your company." Elle gripped her mug and stared at the table as she said the words.

She started when Teagan lightly touched her hand, but relaxed when she saw the kindness in his eyes. "Please stop doing that. You had more pressing matters on your mind and it was a perfectly natural reaction."

"Stop doing what?"

Teagan was about to answer when the barmaid arrived at the table with their food. Elle paid, then removed the bread from one of the plates and replaced it with extra meat from the fourth serving, leaning over to place the meal on the floor for Leo. When she sat up, he continued.

"Apologizing. You do it too often, and there is no need. Not once have I been offended by any of your words or actions." Elle stared at him in astonishment. "What kind of man would I be if I held your past and current circumstances against you? After the hell you've been through, and for everything you've done for me, a little understanding on my part is the very least I could offer."

Elle felt a wave emotions swelling inside of her, threatening to break down the defenses she'd so carefully constructed. Wonder and fear, hope and guilt, strength and humility, all of them warred within, laying siege to those walls she'd taken two years to build. She clenched her hands around her mug, her knuckles white as she fought for the control she so desperately needed.

She looked at Teagan again, humbled, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "I'm.... Thank you." She didn't trust herself to say anything more, nor did she think anything more needed to be said. She turned her attention to her food, hoping the distraction would help to ease her mind.

The meal was passable, though nothing particularly outstanding. After a few moments of silence, Teagan smiled at her and spoke. "I have been curious for some time about your chosen style of fighting. It is uncommon to see a warrior wielding two full-size weapons. How did you learn it?"

Elle welcomed the change of subject, and began explaining how a second weapon in place of a shield took better advantage of her natural dexterity, and how the physical differences between women and men lent themselves to the style. The discussion flowed naturally to her training at Highever when she was younger, and for the first time in two years, she was able to speak of her past without the tinge of grief that usually marred her memories.

As if some barrier between them had broken, Elle and Teagan fell into easy conversation about a myriad of topics, talking for hours. During a brief lull, Elle looked around and was surprised to see that the taproom had cleared of most of the patrons, leaving only a handful of drunks singing in the corner while the barmaid and the stable boy cleared the rest of the empty tables. Leo was dozing at her feet, and the ale had given her a slightly lightheaded but not unpleasant feeling. She realized with a guilty start that she hadn't thought about Fergus all evening, and she turned again to Teagan.

"I didn't realize it was so late." Elle gave a self-conscious smile. "We should probably retire. I'd like to get an early start tomorrow. With luck and good weather we should make it a good portion of the way to the Tower."

His eyes turned somber and he moved to rise, causing Leo to jump to attention. "I wholeheartedly agree."

Teagan offered Elle his arm, and much to her surprise, she took it, allowing him to lead her out of the commons and up to her room. It struck her how incredibly _normal_ the entire evening had been, despite the threat of Fergus's condition looming over her head. She was glad she hadn't transformed into a babbling wreck around Teagan, as well. She pushed open the door to her room, then turned back to find him watching her with a soft light in his eyes.

"Thank you again, Teagan. I...well...thank you," she finished, rather lamely, she thought.

He smiled warmly and gave a slight bow. "You are most welcome. Sleep well, my lady." With that, he turned and walked down the hall, leaving Elle to wonder at his ability to lace ordinary words with so many hidden meanings.


	6. Chapter 6: Old Friends

_A/N: Oh my GOSH I am so sorry for the delay in this chapter. I hope you all don't hate me now...Had a small Vegas vacation interfere with writing. Anyway, I'm back on track now, and already have chapter 7 in the outline stages._

_Once again, thank you to the lovely Tarante11a for her editing skills._

**Chapter 6: Old Friends**

Elle sat in the bow of the ferry as they approached the Circle Tower, which looked as gloomy and formidable as always. She cringed as she recalled her first time entering the enclave, forced there by a Grey Warden treaty and Arlessa Isolde's desperation. The templars' fear had been a palpable thing, and the air had been thick with the stench of blood and burned flesh. She'd never wanted to return, yet once again necessity was drawing her back. Wynne had written, so Elle knew the Circle was rebuilding quickly with help from the Circles of Orlais and the Free Marches. First Enchanter Irving had retired and passed his staff to Wynne, who had spent six months advising Queen Anora before returning to the Tower. Still, the thought of entering that place again made Elle uneasy.

She shuddered involuntarily as she recalled the countless abominations she'd had to slay. To think they had once been people, mages like Wynne or apprentices like Connor, made the idea of them almost as horrible as darkspawn. Adrift in disturbing memories, she jumped when she felt Leo nudge her leg. She turned away from the Tower looming in her vision, only to find Teagan looking at her with concern.

"Are you all right, Elle? You looked a little..." He paused, as if searching for the right word. "..._lost_ there."

She flushed and shook her head. "I'll be fine." She realized then just how little he probably knew about her struggle to end the blight. She smiled grimly when his expression didn't change. "I suppose that wasn't really a 'yes', was it? We never fully revealed to you and Eamon what had happened here when we came seeking the aid of the mages last year." Elle sighed, knowing that the story would possibly erode Teagan's faith in the Circle's ability to raise and train his nephew, but she felt she owed him some form of explanation.

As the boat made its way across the lake, Elle told Teagan about her first foray into the Circle Tower. She tried to emphasize the positives of the experience: meeting Wynne, the heroism of Niall and the mages who held out against Uldred, Knight-Commander Greagoir's trust in her abilities. She didn't spare him the details of the blood magic and the abominations – he had witnessed Connor's possession, after all – but she downplayed her visceral reaction to all she'd seen. She doubted Teagan would want to hear about her vomiting in a dusty corner of the tower upon awakening to the destruction one sloth demon could wreak.

Elle shivered as she spoke of being lost in the Fade, wandering alone, trying to work out the puzzles created by both demons and her own mind. It was hard to describe the experience, especially since she'd found it more frightening than any taint-induced dream of darkspawn. She trailed off and gazed again across the lake, not realizing she'd grown quiet. Teagan's hand on her forearm caused her to start. To her surprise, a flash of warmth radiated through her at his touch, and for a fleeting moment she felt the comfort he was offering.

She was embarrassed to be distracted by bad memories and discomfited by the sense of safety Teagan's small gesture had induced. "I'm sorry. It's just... I mean, I don't..." Elle lifted her eyes to meet his gaze as her voice dropped to nearly a whisper.

"It was terrifying, Teagan. Not the demons, but the sense that I was trapped and disoriented at the same time. Killing darkspawn and ending the blight was so straightforward compared to that...that _aimlessness_. The fear of being lost there forever was... It was a horrible feeling. And it was lonely. I came to understand how much I depended on my friends for support, especially Alistair. I...I think that was the point I realized I truly loved him." She stopped, astonished to find that as she was talking, she had taken Teagan's hand and was gripping it tightly. He was looking at her with a mixture of warmth and sympathy and amazingly, she saw no hint of judgment in his eyes.

Elle blushed as she quickly let go. An apology was on the tip of her tongue when the ferryman pushed the boat ashore and announced their arrival. She grabbed her pack and stood, hurrying to climb out of the ferry before Teagan could offer help. With a small gesture, she told Leo to wait for them in the boat then started up the beach toward the Tower entrance.

Thinking about what she'd told Teagan on the crossing, Elle wondered at herself for allowing him to see her so weak and scared. It was rare for her to show vulnerability to anyone. As they walked up the stairs to the giant double doors leading into the Circle Tower, Elle was preoccupied with the bewildering understanding that she actually _trusted_ Teagan. The doors swung open and she felt a small stab of guilt as she belatedly realized her mention of Alistair hadn't brought about the intense sadness she was used to feeling whenever he crossed her mind.

She didn't have time to contemplate this, as Wynne rushed to greet them as soon as they set foot in the main hall. She grasped Elle's hands and smiled warmly.

"It is good to see you, my dear. And Bann Teagan, what a pleasant surprise." Wynne tempered her smile when she saw the serious look on Elle's face. "But I can see you aren't here for an idle visit. What's happened?"

Elle's words came out in a rush, apprehension over past memories forgotten, replaced by renewed worry for her brother. "Fergus was badly injured, and we need a healer. The leader of Highever's alienage is seeing to him now, keeping him alive, but she doesn't have the skill needed to mend the wound. Please, Wynne, we need a mage. We rode here as fast as we could. He can't die! I need him..._Ferelden_ needs him!

Wynne patted her hand. "Calm down and tell me what happened."

Elle allowed Teagan to explain the circumstances surrounding Fergus's wound as Wynne listened attentively. While Teagan was talking, Knight-Commander Greagoir joined them, and gave Elle a terse smile.

"Of course we'll help you, Elle," Wynne said when Teagan was finished. "I'll pack some things right away and we can leave shortly. We should be able to..."

Greagoir broke in, and Elle noticed him place his hand on the the small of Wynne's back. "Wynne, perhaps you should consider sending someone else this time. The need sounds urgent, and the healer who accompanies them will need to be a proficient rider in order to keep up. Besides, there are many pressing matters here. The Circle needs its First Enchanter."

Wynne sighed and gave Greagoir an indecipherable look. "Perhaps the Knight-Commander is right, Elle. I'm not entirely sure my old bones could handle a forced ride to Highever. Perhaps Kinnan, who you met a year ago, would be more appropriate. I believe he had some equestrian training when he was a child, and he is an excellent healer as well." She looked around and found an apprentice who was trying to look busy and made a motion. "Liandra, please go find Kinnan and have him meet me in my office as soon as he can."

As they made their way upstairs to the First Enchanter's office, Elle gazed around the rebuilt tower. The mages and templars had been busy over the past year, and the halls showed little trace of the devastation that blood magic and demons had wrought. She relaxed a little, glad to see that Wynne and Greagoir apparently had everything under control.

They were chatting about the mages sent from Orlais when Elle heard a familiar voice from one of the apprentice bunkrooms.

"Oh my goodness, it's YOU! I can't believe you're here! I'm so glad to see you! By the stone, the Circle Tower is _amazing_! It's been a year and I still haven't made it through the 'C' section of the library. I never knew there could be so many books in one place in my life! Thank you _so_ much for helping me come here, I'm learning so much!"

"Hello, Dagna. It's good to see you, as well. I trust you're adjusting to life here in the Tower? I hope it is everything you expected." Elle chuckled, glad to see that the dwarven girl's natural enthusiasm remained undamaged by her time at the Circle.

Dagna grinned and clapped her hands together. "Oh, my lady, you have no idea! This is where I'm meant to be, I just know it! I've already had so many ideas for areas of research, especially about lyrium and its effects on mages and its connection to the Fade. There's just so much to know! For example, did you know that..."

Wynne laughed and broke in, putting her hand on Dagna's shoulder. "Dagna, my dear, I'm sure Elle would love to catch up, but we have to attend to an urgent matter in my office."

Dagna was undaunted. "Oh, I understand! I have reading to do anyway. I found a really interesting book on cantrips that I've just started studying, I'll get back to it! It was so good to see you!" She turned and ran back toward the library, whistling a tune Elle didn't recognize.

Elle smiled and shook her head, then turned to Teagan, who was looking after Dagna with an expression of bewilderment. She explained how they had found Dagna and why she was at the Circle Tower. Greagoir commented on how much she had helped during the rebuilding, not only with the physical labor but with spreading good cheer during an undeniably difficult time. The girl's enthusiasm was infectious, and Elle found herself in good spirits as they entered Wynne's office, despite the circumstances for their visit.

Kinnan was waiting for them, and Elle recognized him as one of the mages who had been trapped in the Tower with Wynne during Uldred's uprising. He nodded to her and stood to the side of the desk, waiting for instructions. Upon hearing the situation, he readily agreed to accompany them to Highever, and with a small bow he left the office to gather his belongings.

Teagan looked uncomfortable and cleared his throat, catching Elle's eyes as he did. She recalled his request and nodded, turning to Greagoir.

"Ser, Bann Teagan and I have a request, one that I hope you find it within your heart to grant. It's been over a year since the events in Redcliffe, and just over eleven months since Connor Guerrin was sent here to train. We were hoping for a chance to see him while we are here. I would like to see how he is, and Teagan would like to visit with his nephew for a few minutes."

Greagoir's face had grown stony, and Elle could tell he was about to answer negatively when Wynne chimed in. "Of course you may see Connor. I'm sure Knight-Commander Greagoir has no objections. Things are changing a bit at the Tower now that I am First Enchanter. We both agree that too much isolation may have been partly to blame for the events of last year, and I..._we_ are working to change that policy. Family visits are only a small step toward my goal." Wynne smiled sweetly at Greagoir and his countenance softened. Suddenly Elle was struck by a suspicion that there might be more to their relationship than that of prisoner to jailor.

With a sigh, Greagoir nodded. "All right. I'll go collect him myself." He left the office and Elle looked at Wynne with a sly smile.

"Wynne, is there something you're not telling me?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, my dear," the elder mage said innocently. It was impossible not to see the twinkle in her eye, though.

Teagan laughed and turned to Elle. "Remind me not to play cards with any mages in the future. Your friend is clever indeed."

"And powerful, young man. Very powerful. You have no idea!" Wynne could barely disguise the mirth in her voice. "But I see I can't have secrets from you, Elle. It would be such a scandal if the Chantry should learn the First Enchanter of Ferelden's Circle of Magi and the Templar Knight-Commander of said Circle were carrying on a..." Her mouth snapped shut as the door to the office opened.

Greagoir stepped into the room, leading a frightened-looking Connor. When he saw Teagan, Connor visibly relaxed and ran to him, practically throwing himself into his uncle's embrace. Elle smiled at the reunion and moved with Wynne to the opposite corner of the room. Greagoir stood by the door, ever watchful of the young apprentice.

"How is he doing?" Elle asked quietly.

"Oh, he's very intelligent, but also very reserved – understandable, after going through all that he did. We are trying to bring him out of his shell. Do you remember Petra? We've assigned her to be his mentor, and I think it's working out well. Though, I think it is good that he is able to see his uncle, even for a short time." Wynne smiled at the sight of Teagan on one knee, talking to Connor, then asked the question Elle knew she would. "Speaking of Bann Teagan, is it normal for landed nobility to ride willy-nilly around the countryside? Why is he here with you?"

Elle chuckled. "Ah, Wynne, you do get right to the point. And lest you forget, I am also of noble blood, though I suppose it's the lot of a Grey Warden, noble or not, to be forced to ride willy-nilly around the countryside. As for Bann Teagan, he claims to feel guilty over encouraging Fergus to hunt boar, but I think he really wanted to see Connor."

"Ah, those are the only reasons, then? I see." A small smile played at the corners of Wynne's mouth, and Elle silently cursed the old mage's uncanny perception.

Elle studied her boots intently as Wynne continued. "My dear, I will confess that I've been worried about you. Despite the circumstances, it is a positive thing that you are out of that castle for a time. I know how it is to lose someone you love, but I also know that it does no good to live in the past. It's a hard thing to hear, but the best – and most difficult – thing to do is to decide to move on." Wynne placed her hand on Elle's shoulder and turned her attention back to Teagan and Connor.

Elle looked at her old friend with shining eyes, her voice barely a whisper. "I know you're right, Wynne, but I don't know if I'm ready. I don't even know _how_ to know if I'm ready. I think about going to join the Wardens at Amaranthine and I'm so frozen with fear that I can barely move. I don't know if I can face the inevitable memories and impressions being there will foster. Even now, I know I'm going to be forced to ride to Denerim to represent Fergus at the Landsmeet, and I'm terrified. It's like...Alistair made me whole, and now that he's gone, I'm not really human anymore..." She trailed off, struggling to hold back tears.

"Oh, child, all of that is normal, you know. Which of course means that you _are_ human." Wynne took Elle's hands in her own. "And yet, I saw you smiling, even in the face of fear for your brother. I think you are stronger than you know. Perhaps you just needed something to dislodge you from the rock you've been hiding under. Or...perhaps some_one_?" The twinkle returned to the mage's eyes and she looked pointedly at Teagan.

Elle blushed and looked away. "I...I think you have the wrong..." A knock at the door cut her off, and she thanked the Maker for Kinnan's impeccable timing.

"I'm ready to ride when you are, my lady," said the younger mage with a small bow. "The Circle keeps a small stable of horses on the mainland side of the lake, we will just need to stop there so I can procure a mount, then we can be on our way."

Elle nodded and moved over to where Teagan was talking to Connor. She hated to interrupt, but as time was of the essence, she placed her hand on Teagan's shoulder to indicate it was time to leave. He said goodbye and gave Connor another hug, then stood and turned to Wynne and Greagoir.

"Thank you both, truly. I am glad to see that Connor is healthy and beginning to adjust to his life here. I'll inform Eamon and Isolde that their son is in good hands."

"You're quite welcome, Bann Teagan." Wynne smiled and glanced at Connor. "You may also inform them that should they wish to visit, the doors to the Tower are open to them. I hope Connor can be a shining example of a new breed of mage, one that isn't so shut off from the world. Come then, we'll walk with you to the main hall."

Connor took Teagan's hand as they left the office, clearly thankful for the short visit with his uncle, but sad that he had to leave so soon. "Will I see Father soon, do you think? I would like to show him what I do here."

Teagan smiled down at the boy. "I hope so, Connor. I think your parents will come now that they know it is permissible for them to do so."

The group continued in silence to the doors of the Tower. As Teagan said goodbye to Connor, Elle bowed to Greagoir then turned to Wynne, who stepped forward to embrace her. "It was good to see you, Elle, if even for so short a time." Under her breath she added, "He's a good man, Elle. Think about it."

Elle pulled away, slightly shocked, and saw the mirth in Wynne's eyes again. She couldn't help blushing, but she smiled at her old friend despite her discomfort. A random memory from their travels together came to her then, and she repeated Alistair's words quietly. "I hate you. You're a bad person."

Wynne snorted with laughter and waved her away. "Get going, then. The Teyrn of Highever is too important to risk by standing around making small talk. Bann Teagan, it was a pleasure to see you again, and please send my regards to Arl Eamon and his wife. My prayers will be with you."

With that, the giant doors of the Circle Tower closed behind them, and they made their way down to the ferry landing, where the boat was waiting to take them back to the other shore.


End file.
